Are you self-aware? Do you consciously observe your own internal state? Are you one of those folks who recognizes and understands, to an extent, your own thoughts, emotions, strengths, and weaknesses? If you can answer in the affirmative to these questions, you’re self-aware.
When you say, “I know what you’re going through,” or “I’ve been there,” I think you mean it. You’ve absorbed the emotions associated with the circumstances of others, and can say, “I feel your pain.” Your situations may not translate exactly, but your emotions cross over the boundary of exactitude.
Self-awareness allows one to project what you know about your own internal goings-on, to what might be going on with others. It’s called empathy.
Taking this a step further, if you know how it feels to be sad, left out, wronged, delighted, surprised, or enlightened, in other words, self-aware; then theoretically you can “know how you feel,” and extend compassion and understanding toward anyone else. In other words, you’re empathetic toward them. It takes self-awareness to be empathetic, you can’t be one without the other.
You might ask, what do self-awareness and empathy have to do with feedback, the topic of this article? Well, let me start with a Dictionary.com definition of feedback from a cultural perspective, where feedback is “a process in which a system regulates itself by monitoring its own output. That is, it ‘feeds back’ part of its output to itself….feedback is used to control, monitor and adjust its output.”
Self-aware and empathetic people need feedback in order to control what they put out there in the future. It’s not as simplistic as people-pleasing, which is a no-no toward well-being. If you’re self-controlled and self-aware, you don’t need wholly to please others with your output, you need to feed yourself first.
We need to be self-satisfied first, before it’s helpful to obtain feedback from someone else. It’s kind of like loving and understanding yourself before seeking a partner to “complete” you.
There’s some popular wisdom out there that perpetuates the thought that when you’re older, you don’t really need feedback anymore. You’re not supposed to care what other people think of you, your business, your personality, or lifestyle.
I’m not so sure that’s the way it is. I do know that as I get older, I have a lower tolerance for run-of-the-mill, day-to-day BS.
But, in my opinion, genuine, personal feedback about work that you fulfill, kindnesses that you extend, people whom you help, that kind of feedback doesn’t grow old. I’m talking about personal acknowledgment and appreciation for who we uniquely are and what we do.
Form letter, watered down, thank you’s, for me are akin to adding an habitual “have a nice day,” at the end of an insult. I guess a pay-check is a certain kind of feedback; as are sales for the self-employed. But, to me, a psychologically genuine comment of appreciation is needed more often in today’s hustle and bustle in the marketplace.
My husband has the kindest habit of asking the name of service personnel as we go out and about living our lives. He may or may not forget that person’s name, but he genuinely wants to acknowledge that they’ve been seen, at least in that moment. As an aside, most of these people are a bit wary, when he asks their name, thinking they’re in trouble or going to get “reported” for some such sin. He genuinely surprises them when he laughs and says,”it’s nice to have met you, (repeating their name).”
For a few weeks, since I saw a quote on social media, I’ve been ruminating about it. It is this: “the highest form of peace is having no desire to be seen, validated or understood by anyone.” We all want to live in peace, so this is a mouth-watering philosophy.
To want to be noticed, affirmed and understood, and to be left wanting, is painful. Effort without reward is a hard kind of work.
So, I get the temptation to try to adopt existential philosophies, especially the ones that are watered down through the simplistic sieve of social media. However, the quote mentioned above originates in some form with the French philosopher, Simone de Beauvoir, and frankly seems completely self-centered, even narcissistic, in a world full of social and relational humans who need feedback.
The philosophy of existentialism, highlights personal freedom in an absurd world where we’re too often driven by the opinions of others. Existentialism attempts to eliminate the anxiety of people-pleasing by giving back to the individual, control over one’s own well-being without relying on the input of others.
But I think, since so much political and social division controls the environment in our country nowadays, we would benefit from coming back to a philosophical medium ground. How do we do that?
Perhaps we could be self-aware but not self-centered. Be aware of the needs of others without their needs controlling us. Acknowledge that we want to be understood as a prerequisite for connection or community. Learn how to encourage ourselves when external approval and social confirmation is lacking.
In our business letters, I usually add a closing remark something like, “Thank you for your business, we appreciate you.” You might be surprised to hear that quite a few colleagues and clients notice that simple but genuine note of thanks. It is my firm belief that people need to be seen as unique and valued.
I appreciate you, all of you. Thank you for reading.